Some Days Are Harder Than Others

I had a really tough day yesterday.

All I have been able to think about lately is everything I'm doing wrong, or everything I'm 'failing' at. The apartment isn't clean or even tidy, laundry is piled up, I haven't actually made dinner for my family in a week, I'm late to work literally every day, I get upset with the boys too often, and on and on.

Then yesterday broke me.

I dropped the boys off at Jeanni's and then was talking to her outside when all of the sudden Nolan comes out crying. I went in to see what was the matter and his glasses were off. I started looking around before realizing that they were around his neck. So I asked him what happened and put them back on. He just kept crying and then walked over to Keegan (the other little boy Jeanni watches a couple days a week) who was sitting on the couch watching TV and started wailing on him! He hit him several times on his legs.

My first thought was, maybe Keegan did something to Nolan, I know they don't get a long very well. But the thing is I have never actually heard Keegan say one word, ever. And it was extremely obvious that he hadn't moved a muscle since I went outside. I'm absolutely positive he didn't do anything to Nolan to warrant him hitting him like that.

So I asked him to tell Keegan he was sorry. He refused.

I gave him another chance. He refused again. So I put him in time out and he started screaming (his m.o. these days). After a bit of that I asked him to stop crying or I'd put him outside because we didn't want to hear him screaming. He kept screaming. So I put him outside on the porch. After several minutes of that he still refused to say he was sorry (but yet also wouldn't tell me why he was so upset). Whenever I checked to make sure he was ok out there he would turn his back to me, but then he'd sneak a glance behind him to see if I was still looking.

Finally I asked him if I needed to spank his bum and he sassily said, "Yes." So I swatted his bum. He was still defiant. By now I'm feeling awful and defeated.

Finally, through tears he went over and told Keegan he was sorry (who by the way still hadn't moved and couldn't care less what was going on).

So, half an hour after I got there, I left on the verge of tears.

By then I was super late and crying in my car and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go to work.

So I went home and bawled. I suck at this.

I was mad at myself for how I handled the situation (even though I'm not sure what more I could have done) and I probably saw his defiance as a reflection of my parenting (even though my head tells me that's not true, he's just a toddler). And then even more guilt crept in. I thought to myself, "how can I complain?! I am tired and didn't want to go to work today and look at me, I can actually go home! How lucky am I that if I need a day off I can actually have a day off. Jeanni took the boys and I can literally do anything I want for the day (well, half day really). Driving range? Massage? Shopping? Cold Stone? Go for it! You are so spoiled! Think of all the SAHM's that don't get that luxury? If they're sick? Oh wait, they don't get to be sick. They still have mouths to feed and people that need them all day. Whereas I can just dump the boys off at Jeanni's and actually get to rest. You are so spoiled, yet you're still complaining."

Ugh, it never ends.

So anyway, I guess I'm writing this down for two reasons. This mothering thing is hard. And if by chance one of my children or grandchildren are reading this and they are struggling with little ones, I hope they will realize that they are not alone. It's tough. And chances are they are doing a dang good job, they just don't realize it. Give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack. I struggle sometimes too. I'm not perfect, but I love these kids more than anything and want what's best for them and that gets me through. And I think (I hope) that makes me a good mother.

And I'm also writing it down for me. So that in 30 years, when maybe I have grandkids of my own, and I might have forgotten how unrelenting and exhausting being a parent of small children is, I want this to remind me to give my daughter or daughter-in-law a break. Especially if she's a full time stay at home mom. I want to remember to call her up every once in a while and tell her, "let me take the kids for the day and you go do something for yourself. Don't catch up on laundry, don't meal plan, don't even look at your to do list. Go shopping, go to the driving range, go get a manicure, just do something for you." I know how lucky I am to have that option whenever I need it, but so many don't. 

We love our kids and would do anything for them, but sometimes to be the best mom you can be, you need a break.

p.s. When Justin brought the boys home later that day Nolan ran to me, gave me a hug, and told me he was sorry. Sweet boy. I guess he still loves me, and of course I love him. All is forgiven ♥

Also, in case you're wondering what I did for a few hours to blow off steam? I went shopping and to the driving range. Geez, I should be upset every time I golf. I was hitting so good haha!! I would have done the batting cages too, but it was closed. Boo.

Rolling Over, Toe Grabs, and Spitties!

Branson is 5 months old!

Outtakes

• He has discovered his feet and loves grabbing them!
• Speaking of grabbing things, he's really been busy figuring out how to use his hands. I swear it's like overnight he was all of the sudden reaching for everything. He still drops things after a minute or two, but getting better all the time!
• Jeanni discovered a magic way to get B to sleep. Put him on his side with a binky in his mouth, then put a blanket between his arm and the binky, and against his face. The first couple of times I tried it I couldn't believe it! He was wide awake and then it was like he just melted and drifted off to sleep. Amazing! Also, this means we have successfully gotten another kid addicted to Aden and Anais swaddle blankets. (I say 'successfully' because I like the fact that their special blanket is not a one-of-a-kind, can't-ever-put-it-in-the-laundry-or-they'll-FREAK-out thing. We buy as many of them as we want to put into rotation and in theory (though we haven't tried it yet) should be able to replace them without too much fuss. Yes!( I think we should buy some A&A stock ☺
• Speaking of sleep. Ugh, we had several rough nights last week. Nolan would wake up crying (which almost never happens), then 2 hrs later Branson would wake up, then an hour later Nolan would fuss again, then B. Oey. We were so tired. I think that was just a fluke though luckily. And Branson is getting better. More often than not he only wakes up once during the night and we just have to put his binky back in and he's back to sleep. He has been going most nights without eating, yay!
• He's a rolling machine and is even trying to push his legs and get some movement forward!
• He's still super drooly and wet all the time. And still spits up on you when you're least expecting it. But we sure love him anyway.
• He's easy to please. Just feed him, change him, give him attention, and let him stand up on you and he's happy. Also, I absolutely love his smile. He smiles with his entire face and he just looks like he's so happy to be alive!
• He's  been doing 'spitties!' lately and is so loud with it that he often gets chuckles from people around him. Especially because he has a super serious face when he does it, like he's really trying to get it out.
• He's always watching what big brother (or daddy) is doing - sometimes craning his neck at ridiculous angles so he doesn't miss anything. I have a feeling this is just the beginning and that little boy will be a cute little shadow for Nolan and daddy.
• He's over 16 lbs and has started wearing size 3 diapers.
• Just like his big brother he loves kicking and putting his feet on whatever or whoever is near him.

Bat-Bran!!

Nolan really wanted to hold B

This is Nolan wiping Branson's imaginary spit up ☺ "Oh yuck! He spih up!"

♥ Sweet brothers ♥

Tickles at Costco

Trying a strawberry!

Look how fast those legs are going!

Here's his 'spitties' face

Easter Weekend Fun

We had a fun-filled, slightly exhausting, and routine-disturbing weekend, but it was a blast!! And we got a taste of how much fun it is to have a grandma and grandpa so close!

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The weekend of fun started out with a Bees game on Friday night! Nolan loved the Bee. And of course he kept up with his new tradition of wandering the stadium looking for Angels symbols. He found ones I didn't even notice this time!

It was a little chilly so we had to bundle up a bit. Everyone wanted to hold Bran-man. How cute is he?! Plus he provided an extra layer of warmth for the holdee ☺

We love going to the games that have fireworks at the end. The Bees always put on a good show! Unfortunately, Nolan decided the fireworks were too loud and was scared of them (even though he loved them before!). Oh well, Branson enjoyed them! 

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Saturday afternoon we met Gm and Gp Bailey in Heber and rode the Heber Creeper Easter Train!

This is Nolan avoiding the camera. Stinker.

I was holding Branson in the carrier on my lap and the lighting was so perfect I just had to snap some pics. Because he was strapped to me they are close up, but I think they're perfect! Look at that cuteness!! ♥

Looking out the window. I didn't get a picture of it, but the Easter Bunny came on the train and danced and gave all of the kids an Easter egg with a treat inside. I have to say though that I was slightly disappointed. I've always heard about how beautiful the ride on the train was so I guess I had pictured in my head that it took you through the mountains more. In reality it pretty much just took you through the town :(. Oh well, still a fun time!

Justin just taught Nolan about thumb wars. "1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war. Thumbs back...ready...ATTACK!!" Except they just tickle rather than actually thumb war. Anyway, Nolan loves it!!

After the train ride Nolan wanted to check all of the doors on a sitting train to see if they opened. 

I love trains so I was pretty excited too!

They also had a cute little petting zoo. N wasn't too interested before the train ride, but aftewards he was all about it. How cute is that little pig?!

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Sunday morning the boys woke up to a few treats from the Easter bunny ♥

Then after church we headed down to Gm and Gp Bailey's new house. Grandpa set up a great little egg hunt for Nolan. Wait, did I say little? Silly me, I think grandpa had a good time and stuffed and hid a lot of eggs! hehe

Nolan loved it and that's the only audience he needs to please amiright?

Look at all those eggs! He might get a bit of a rude awakening when he participates in a larger hunt and has to compete for the eggs. I'm slightly worried about how he'll take that. Oh well, it will be good for him haha. 

Watching the Penguins win in the playoffs

After a super tasty dinner we headed to the park, then did some sidewalk chalk. Here are just some of the words Nolan recognizes and knows how to spell. And he adds more every day! I swear we don't push him, he just loves letters and words!!