I Want To Remember You Just Like This

So many times I wish I could record every moment of your life. You'll do or say something cute or clever or new and I'll scramble to grab the camera, but too often I'm just not fast enough and the moment passes. Sometimes I get lucky and catch you, other times I can get you to recreate the moment, but more often than I'd like the moment is gone and I'm left kicking myself for not recording it. I know I can't record everything (darn it!), and maybe that's ok because that's what memories are for. I do hope this blog will help us look back and remember and stir up those memories more easily. But darn it all, it's just not the same. Trying to spell out the way you say words or trying to explain the cute way you walk just doesn't do it justice. Someday when you're older, I would love to be able to show you how cute you were, how easily you laughed, the adorable way you say all the new words and phrases you're learning, that toddler gallop that makes me smile every time I see you run, and the way you kiss us with your eyes closed and a little smack of your lips. 

Sure I probably take way too many pictures and record the most mundane of things, but that's one "rookie mom" move that I know I won't regret. So I'll keep scrambling for that camera and hope that sometimes I catch you in just the right moment.  Because I know that one day soon you won't walk with that toddler gallop anymore, you'll open your stride, walk like everyone else, and never look back. You'll start saying words correctly and get all of your teeth in. And as much as I don't want to admit it, you won't always cuddle me the way you do now.

Sometimes I hold you and feel sadness knowing that someday I won't get the kinds of snuggles I get on a daily basis anymore. Sure I might be able to sneak some in now and then, but I know they'll be more rare than they are now. I'll sneak them when you're sleeping, or sick, or on those occasions when you'll just feel like snuggling up for a movie. But I know it won't ever again be like it is now, when I can fit your whole body in my lap with your legs off to the side and your head against my chest (that's my favorite way to hold you). It's hard to admit, but I know that someday, more quickly than I'd like, you'll simply be too big for me to hold.

And as much as it hurts to think about, I know you'll probably never show me as much love as you do right now.

So even though we're in the trenches, and you're well...almost two, and it's sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees I hope my forward-looking mentality doesn't stress me out (I sometimes miss moments before they're even gone!) so much as it makes me appreciate the small things and savor each precious, amazing, fun, trivial, silly moment - and there are oh so many of those! 

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This morning was one of those moments that I truly hope I will remember forever, I wished I could have been recording the whole thing, but of course I can't.

I dropped you off at Jeanni's and you went straight to the little corner behind her couch that you like to hide out in. I asked you if you wanted to close the door as I left (you love doing that these days) so you popped out from behind the couch and toddled over to me. I bent down and asked for a kiss. Lately it seems like you don't like my kisses as much as you once did so I wasn't sure if you'd say "no," but you smiled and walked right up to me. I turned my head to show you my cheek, all ready for a kiss, but you moved your face in front of mine, puckered up your lips, and planted one on me. Needless to say, I completely melted. What a sweet cute boy. 

Then as I walked down the sidewalk to the car you stood in the door and after a prompting from Jeanni said, "Bye momma eh baybee!" You're such a good big brother already ♥

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Oh Nolan, I hope you always stay my sweet, easy-going, kind, intelligent, and silly boy.

I want to remember you just like this.