Back to Work

I had to go back to work on February 1st. It's crazy how the decision to work while having small children has been harder and more complicated than I ever thought it would be growing up. Maybe that's partly because I worked in a career for so long before even marrying. I think maybe if I had gotten married in college or right out of college, it might have been easier to stay home.

But it goes deeper than that. I really believe in my heart that it is a good thing for one parent (usually the mother) to be with her children as much as possible, teaching them and guiding them. And I worry constantly that I'm not there for them enough. Every once in awhile I will be surprised at how something small that I'm missing will affect me. Like when Nolan was old enough to go to Toddler Time at the library, I was so sad that I couldn't be there to see how he interacted with the other kids and how they interacted with him. It's not usually the 'big' things that bother me. Some working moms hate that they might miss their first smile or first word, but that's not such a big deal to me. After all, how do you really know which time is the first time anyway?

I worry about staying home too. I've learned while on maternity leave that being a SAHM is not for the faint of heart. It's tough and exhausting and demanding. I don't know that there is anything else that tries your patience as much as having little ones to care for all day every day. And I already hate how easily I get upset. It's so hard to remember that they are just little, they are still learning and developing. My brother, Preston made a good point once when I lamented about my lack of patience. He said that being at home with little ones might just be the best way for me to learn patience. There might be some truth to that, but I still worry I won't ever quite get where I want to be in that department and I'll always be beating myself up. And not just about that. The house is never clean, and I feel like I'm cleaning up messes that I cleaned 5 minutes before. Often by the time Justin got home my throat would be sore from all the talking and directing and correcting. But at the same time, being at home is amazing and fulfilling. I loved being home during the day. I loved knowing 100% of what he was being taught because I was doing the teaching. I loved taking Nolan to Toddler Time or out to lunch. I loved lying down with him for nap time. We would lay on the same pillow facing each other and whisper a conversation about how much fun we were having that day, and what his favorite part was. I will miss that. But as Justin reminds me, There are still full days on weekends!

In many ways, it's nice to be at work. People like working with me and compliment me often on jobs well done. Not to mention I get a paycheck. As a SAHM you don't often get that validation. I have a feeling that mom's at home live for the sweet moments, the kisses, the "I love you mommy's," and the times when you start to see them learning all the things you're teaching them. But there's just no way the people in your care (probably including your husband) can really appreciate all you do for them, all you are sacrificing for them. And even though my husband is amazing, he might still wonder what it was I did all day when he comes home to an explosion in the living room. That would be really tough for me. I also feel like with both of us going away to work, it's easier to demand a little closer to a 50/50 division of labor (although let's be honest, it will NEVER be 50/50. Women just do more of the every day, constant tasks. Period. ☺). And I worry that if I were to stay at home it would be easier for even more things to be added to my to do list because it's "my job." 

I also like that I can run to the grocery store on my way home without having to wrangle little ones. I can go to my prenatal appointments without having to bring kids. If I'm sick, I can actually have a sick day and send the kids to Jeanni's. SAHM's are the toughest bunch. They don't get sick days, ever. Maybe I'm not tough enough for it because when I think about how easy I've got it, I wuss out and my 'should I be staying at home' pendulum swings completely in the direction of working.

I also think about the future. If I stayed home, would it be hard for me to find a similar job in my chosen field in 15 years? Would they even hire me? Maybe, I don't know. Or is it good to keep my foot in the door while raising kids? Will I even need to work again? Justin is an amazing provider and I have no doubt we'd be fine on his income. We don't usually just throw money around, and we're determined not to just throw it at our kids either (sorry guys!). But will I want to work when the kids are out of the house? Or does any of this even matter because in the end, raising children is the most important work I can be doing? Will I regret the time lost with my children? Or am I personally a better mom because I get out sometimes?

Our children are only small once. They are only under our roof for 18 years, and from what I hear the time flies by faster than you can blink. We have only one chance to get it right. I just hope we're making the right choice. 

And the thing is, I feel like we are. 

I mention all of these thoughts to show even just a fraction of the back-and-forth that goes on in my head all the time. Poor Justin, I think I bring up this subject at least once every 2 weeks. I worry about and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But what I keep coming back to is the fact that...we're happy. At this moment, things are working out really well, which tells me that maybe this is the right thing for us right now. Jeanni is amazing with our boys. She reads to them, teaches them, and takes them on fun outings. She loves them and is patient with them, but she also teaches and corrects them. I worried so much about Nolan getting to this age because I'd heard horror stories about kids running wild at daycare and parents having to try to undo all of the bad behavior learned there. But Jeanni is awesome. If I ask her not to let Nolan get away with something, she won't. Or if I ask her to not give him a tablet all day, she won't (even if doing so might make her life easier ☺). Or if I tell her we're really working on having him clean up his own messes, she'll have him do it. It really sets our minds at ease. Plus we have good health insurance through my work which sets our minds at ease in a different way.

And maybe things will change in the future. I was talking just last night to a friend on my hockey team who recently made the tough decision to quit her job after 22 years because she finally realized how much it was cutting in to her family time. Quitting meant they lost half of their income. She is starting her own consulting business so some income is coming in, just not nearly what it was before. But she feels so strongly that her 11 and 13 year old kids are at an age when they really need her to be there, that she determined it was the right thing to do. And I admire her for taking that leap of faith. 

I also had a conversation with a lady in my ward last week who said the best time to be working is right now, when the kids are very small. I've often felt like the most important time for me to be home is when they are school age. That I need to be home "at the cross roads" - when they get home from school or from practice, or to get them off to the bus. As a child, there was something wonderful and re-assuring about knowing my mom would be home when I got there. It also made me more responsible. I had to account for where I was, and if I'd be late, because my mom would know. I knew a lot of kids that invited friends over after school and did whatever, knowing no one would be there to stop them or demand some structure. Having her there also gave me a safety net. I wasn't usually stranded anywhere because I could call my mom for a ride. Of course she always made sure we knew that she was not 'at our beck and call,' but she was usually free and available to help us out and give us rides, etc.

So we'll see what the next few years brings. Maybe I'll stay home or maybe I'll be able to work out a part time gig with my current job. We'll just go with our gut and prayer and hope to God we're making the right choices a long the way. 

I've learned that the decision to work or stay at home or work part time is maybe not as cut and dry as I once thought, and that you can be a good mom in so many different ways. But no matter what, I love my children more than words can say. And I hope that someday they'll understand just how much.

And thank heavens Jeanni sends me cute pictures like this to get me through the day ☺