A Day in Logan

My great Aunt Beth passed away on January 24th. She was my Gm Mathews little sister and the last of the Stanton girls to pass away. Beth and my grandma used to tell funny stories about how they used to fight all the time. For instance, there was the time my grandma lured Beth into a rabbits cage and locked her in! Or the time Beth got so mad at my grandma that she threw a hairbrush at her and cut her head open! (or was it the other way around?). Of course they grew up to be the best of friends, but their stories of the early years were hilarious ☺ Beth was a pretty great lady and, in reading her obituary, I learned something new about her - she had served a mission to the New England States during a time when not as many women served. Very cool ♥

Anyway, the last time I saw Beth was in 2015 when she was sent up to a hospital in Provo from Richfield and I went to see her. We had a pretty good conversation, even though she was a bit out of it and her memory was clearly going. No doubt she was a Stanton girl though because when I took this picture all she could comment on was how terrible she looked and how she didn't have any makeup on ☺ Silly Beth, you looked beautiful!!

Here's a pic of Beth and her sweetheart, Uncle Denzil. He was just the sweetest guy and always had a hug and a smile ready for you. I sure loved him! In fact, he would always comment on how I used to go to him before anyone else when I was a baby and toddler. I am so happy that these two lovebirds are finally reunited again ♥

The funeral was in Richfield, but it was during the work week and with me just getting back from maternity leave, there was no way we could go. But the burial was in Logan on a Saturday so it was important to me that we go.

Her son Daren (left, with the microphone) gave a short message and then Rob (in front of him) dedicated the grave.

Beth's daughter, Jani, and her husband, Larry Pearson.
Side note: Jani was asking me for help with some family history because she got most of Grammy's (Beth and my grandma's mother) stuff from Beth. I of course told her I'd love to help! I told her that we actually have old video's of Beth and Denzil's wedding in Logan! She was pretty excited about that. Then I remembered that we also video's of her wedding. I didn't expect it, but she got so excited and said she doesn't even have any videos of her wedding! I guess they planned to have someone take some videos, but it fell through. Anyway, I can't wait to get her a copy of the videos my grandpa took. I guess it's a good thing he took that big 'ol camera everywhere!

Nolan loved hearing everyone sing I Am a Child of God and smiled through most of it ♥

I love this sweet picture I caught of Justin and Nolan.

Nolan couldn't resist a long road to run down.

 Thanks for taking our picture Renae!

It's always so good to see family. My second cousin Jared, who I haven't seen since they lived in Las Vegas years ago, came right up and gave me a big hug. So sweet! One of my biggest fears about this older generation passing away is that we might not get together as much with our extended family. I guess that's what family reunion's are for!

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After the cemetery we made a quick stop at the beautiful Logan Temple

The first thing Nolan wanted to do was "touch the temple." Adorable!

Then we basically just had a photo shoot because he was looking so darn handsome!

He loved this little corner he found 

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 After the temple I of course had to make a stop in Hyrum. I wanted to put flowers on my grandma's grave, however I wasn't planning on the headstone being almost lost in a foot of snow!! It took us several minutes just to find it! Especially since we had to try to locate it from the road. It's not like I could just wander the headstones with all that snow!

I had to clear it a little bit just to see the names!

I'm thinking snowshoes would have been a slightly better footwear choice than ankle boots and tights ☺

Justin got this action shot of me trying to get back to the car haha.

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Last stop was to Maddox's where we met my friends and BYU roommates, Becca and Vanessa Hall!

It didn't take Nolan too long to warm up to them. Here he is checking out Vanessa's fit bit, of course!

He wanted to drink straight out of the pitcher haha.

Or how about with a glass on top of the pitcher? He had all sorts of ideas and Vanessa was happy to help him realize those ideas.

Speaking of ideas...this is him dipping a fry in rasberry butter. I guess he's definitely my child, dipping anything in everything. Or as B and V's dad would say, "that was a good bite, I don't regret it" haha.

Vanessa completely won him over. He even held her hand on the way out!

And Becca bribed him with a sucker! Lucky boy ☺

Missing Daddy and Roots Tech

Well, it's happened. Justin has decided he's had enough and ditched us.

Just kidding of course! But he did head to San Francisco for a few days to go to a real estate convention. I'm trying to think, but this might be the first time I've spent a few nights alone with the kids (and obviously the first time with two kids). We missed him terribly of course, and Nolan kept asking where daddy was, but we had a good time just the three of us!

napping together at Jeanni's house ♥ ♥

The first night was crazy. We went to Target, then TJ Maxx, then McDonald's for dinner. I know, look at me go! haha. Branson was a champ and slept the whole time. Nolan was incredible and listened really well. He always held my hand when I asked him to and stayed near me at the store. His favorite thing to do at Target is play with the phones and he even put down the phone right away when I asked him to.

We got home and were there for maybe half an hour before I dragged them both to stake women's basketball. It was definitely harder with the kids, but they were good. Nolan kept throwing dodgeballs off the stage onto the court though and didn't really understand why he couldn't, so I finally just gave him the phone as a babysitter and he was perfect from then on haha.

It looks like Nolan documented his time on the stage ☺

When we went to bed that night I told Nolan he could sleep in mommy and daddy's bed (mostly so mommy didn't have to sleep alone haha). He always wants to do that, but we never let him so he was super excited! I am a little worried he'll put up a fuss when daddy gets home and he gets kicked out, but we'll deal with that when it happens. He was seriously so cute and took the "man of the house" directive seriously! He was my little helper without me even asking. If I was looking for a burp cloth or blanket he'd say, "it's right there!" Or, "I'll go get it!" And he was very meticulous about setting up my nightstand for baby branson. He said, "the bottle is right therrrrrrre, and the binky right theerrrrrrr." I even caught him trying to feed branson 2 or 3 times ☺. He would say, "I think he needs a bottle! and would put it in his mouth." SO sweet and cute.

I sure love my boys! They were so good for me and we did well on our own, but we definitely can't wait for daddy to get back tonight!! ♥

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On Thursday I went to RootsTech at the Salt Palace! 

 The Property Brothers spoke! Although I only caught the end of it because the registration line was so dang long! Oh well.

The Meg(h)an's! 

I thought this was a fun display to show the importance of digital preservation, rather than just a pile of stuff or a "stuff monster"

Back to Work

I had to go back to work on February 1st. It's crazy how the decision to work while having small children has been harder and more complicated than I ever thought it would be growing up. Maybe that's partly because I worked in a career for so long before even marrying. I think maybe if I had gotten married in college or right out of college, it might have been easier to stay home.

But it goes deeper than that. I really believe in my heart that it is a good thing for one parent (usually the mother) to be with her children as much as possible, teaching them and guiding them. And I worry constantly that I'm not there for them enough. Every once in awhile I will be surprised at how something small that I'm missing will affect me. Like when Nolan was old enough to go to Toddler Time at the library, I was so sad that I couldn't be there to see how he interacted with the other kids and how they interacted with him. It's not usually the 'big' things that bother me. Some working moms hate that they might miss their first smile or first word, but that's not such a big deal to me. After all, how do you really know which time is the first time anyway?

I worry about staying home too. I've learned while on maternity leave that being a SAHM is not for the faint of heart. It's tough and exhausting and demanding. I don't know that there is anything else that tries your patience as much as having little ones to care for all day every day. And I already hate how easily I get upset. It's so hard to remember that they are just little, they are still learning and developing. My brother, Preston made a good point once when I lamented about my lack of patience. He said that being at home with little ones might just be the best way for me to learn patience. There might be some truth to that, but I still worry I won't ever quite get where I want to be in that department and I'll always be beating myself up. And not just about that. The house is never clean, and I feel like I'm cleaning up messes that I cleaned 5 minutes before. Often by the time Justin got home my throat would be sore from all the talking and directing and correcting. But at the same time, being at home is amazing and fulfilling. I loved being home during the day. I loved knowing 100% of what he was being taught because I was doing the teaching. I loved taking Nolan to Toddler Time or out to lunch. I loved lying down with him for nap time. We would lay on the same pillow facing each other and whisper a conversation about how much fun we were having that day, and what his favorite part was. I will miss that. But as Justin reminds me, There are still full days on weekends!

In many ways, it's nice to be at work. People like working with me and compliment me often on jobs well done. Not to mention I get a paycheck. As a SAHM you don't often get that validation. I have a feeling that mom's at home live for the sweet moments, the kisses, the "I love you mommy's," and the times when you start to see them learning all the things you're teaching them. But there's just no way the people in your care (probably including your husband) can really appreciate all you do for them, all you are sacrificing for them. And even though my husband is amazing, he might still wonder what it was I did all day when he comes home to an explosion in the living room. That would be really tough for me. I also feel like with both of us going away to work, it's easier to demand a little closer to a 50/50 division of labor (although let's be honest, it will NEVER be 50/50. Women just do more of the every day, constant tasks. Period. ☺). And I worry that if I were to stay at home it would be easier for even more things to be added to my to do list because it's "my job." 

I also like that I can run to the grocery store on my way home without having to wrangle little ones. I can go to my prenatal appointments without having to bring kids. If I'm sick, I can actually have a sick day and send the kids to Jeanni's. SAHM's are the toughest bunch. They don't get sick days, ever. Maybe I'm not tough enough for it because when I think about how easy I've got it, I wuss out and my 'should I be staying at home' pendulum swings completely in the direction of working.

I also think about the future. If I stayed home, would it be hard for me to find a similar job in my chosen field in 15 years? Would they even hire me? Maybe, I don't know. Or is it good to keep my foot in the door while raising kids? Will I even need to work again? Justin is an amazing provider and I have no doubt we'd be fine on his income. We don't usually just throw money around, and we're determined not to just throw it at our kids either (sorry guys!). But will I want to work when the kids are out of the house? Or does any of this even matter because in the end, raising children is the most important work I can be doing? Will I regret the time lost with my children? Or am I personally a better mom because I get out sometimes?

Our children are only small once. They are only under our roof for 18 years, and from what I hear the time flies by faster than you can blink. We have only one chance to get it right. I just hope we're making the right choice. 

And the thing is, I feel like we are. 

I mention all of these thoughts to show even just a fraction of the back-and-forth that goes on in my head all the time. Poor Justin, I think I bring up this subject at least once every 2 weeks. I worry about and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. But what I keep coming back to is the fact that...we're happy. At this moment, things are working out really well, which tells me that maybe this is the right thing for us right now. Jeanni is amazing with our boys. She reads to them, teaches them, and takes them on fun outings. She loves them and is patient with them, but she also teaches and corrects them. I worried so much about Nolan getting to this age because I'd heard horror stories about kids running wild at daycare and parents having to try to undo all of the bad behavior learned there. But Jeanni is awesome. If I ask her not to let Nolan get away with something, she won't. Or if I ask her to not give him a tablet all day, she won't (even if doing so might make her life easier ☺). Or if I tell her we're really working on having him clean up his own messes, she'll have him do it. It really sets our minds at ease. Plus we have good health insurance through my work which sets our minds at ease in a different way.

And maybe things will change in the future. I was talking just last night to a friend on my hockey team who recently made the tough decision to quit her job after 22 years because she finally realized how much it was cutting in to her family time. Quitting meant they lost half of their income. She is starting her own consulting business so some income is coming in, just not nearly what it was before. But she feels so strongly that her 11 and 13 year old kids are at an age when they really need her to be there, that she determined it was the right thing to do. And I admire her for taking that leap of faith. 

I also had a conversation with a lady in my ward last week who said the best time to be working is right now, when the kids are very small. I've often felt like the most important time for me to be home is when they are school age. That I need to be home "at the cross roads" - when they get home from school or from practice, or to get them off to the bus. As a child, there was something wonderful and re-assuring about knowing my mom would be home when I got there. It also made me more responsible. I had to account for where I was, and if I'd be late, because my mom would know. I knew a lot of kids that invited friends over after school and did whatever, knowing no one would be there to stop them or demand some structure. Having her there also gave me a safety net. I wasn't usually stranded anywhere because I could call my mom for a ride. Of course she always made sure we knew that she was not 'at our beck and call,' but she was usually free and available to help us out and give us rides, etc.

So we'll see what the next few years brings. Maybe I'll stay home or maybe I'll be able to work out a part time gig with my current job. We'll just go with our gut and prayer and hope to God we're making the right choices a long the way. 

I've learned that the decision to work or stay at home or work part time is maybe not as cut and dry as I once thought, and that you can be a good mom in so many different ways. But no matter what, I love my children more than words can say. And I hope that someday they'll understand just how much.

And thank heavens Jeanni sends me cute pictures like this to get me through the day ☺